Sep 12
Social Restructuring.
I’m not terribly good at political stuff.
The recent discussions about healthcare reform in the States leave me disheartened at best.
And more to the point, everybody is talking about it, why go with the crowd?
Instead, I’d like to introduce you all to my new plan for the world, which is going to revolutionise all our everything.
I call it “Nazi Darwinism”.
As a health professional, I firmly sign up to the concept of survival of the fittest. That which adapts to thrive in its environment will enjoy genetic and procreative success.
If you grow a big neck, you can be a giraffe.
If you develop thousands of teeth and super sonic swimming speeds, you can be a shark.
If you develop all of those things, you can either be the most bad-ass giraffe on the plains, or the spackiest shark in the ocean. Adapting to your environment makes you a more successful species.
But as humans, we’re falling behind.
We have become so accustomed to wangling our way around environmental challenges that the need to evolve is fading.
Therefore it is time to engineer our surroundings in such a way to generate positive evolutionary developments in the human race.
And we’re going to start with dickheads.
Under my new plan, I believe we can selectively breed out dickheads in under ten years.
This is how it’ll go down.
All members of society in whom the dickhead gene is absent or recessive (”nice people”) will be issued with a pool ball in a sock. The carrying of this will be mandatory.
On discovery of a subject displaying signs of dickheads genes, the nice person will be entitled to strike the dickhead on the head with said sock/pool ball.
It is hoped that within a short time and with the assistance of an intensive press campaign, the majority of dickheads will either moderate their behaviour (thus negating the necessity for a cue ball to the temple) or persist in behaving in such a manner as to ensure repeated cephalic blunt force trauma and their subsequent death within a number of weeks.
Lets be clear.
I am not advocating death squads or genocide.
I am merely proposing a system by which those members of society who have suffered the ignoble misfortune of being mindless bumblefucks are encouraged to take control of their destiny and be the drive behind their own self improvement.
Or die.
We have seen in recent years the phenomenal social restructuring that can take place with imaginative promotion. Fifty years ago, driving home from the pub was seen as an acceptable, if quaintly risky, route home. Nowadays, drink drivers are social pariahs.
I fervently believe that within five years of Nazi Darwinism being rolled out, “eating in public with your mouth open” will be as morally repugnant to society as violent sex offences.
For those of you unsure as to which side of the dickhead/nice person differentiation you lie, the following questionaire may help.
Do you play music through the speaker on your mobile phone on the bus, forcing everyone else to listen to your pish taste in Ibiza Trance?
Do you fail to say thankyou when someone holds a door or lift for you?
Do you stop in traffic across side streets and then pretend to fail to notice the line of cars waiting to pull out?
Are you taking part in a hen party that involves hilarious plastic devil horns/angel wings/bunny tails and endless bloody screeching?
If you answered yes to any of the above, you are at significant risk of being Dickhead Positive.
See your General Physician and watch out for armed Nice People.
The rest of you?
Your pool balls are in the post.
September 12th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Are you walking around with a poolball in a sock, waiting to hit any of the above? Doesn’t hitting people in the head make you a dickhead? Would YOU not have to make the people with pool balls in their heads better, wasting your time and the money of people (dickheads or not) who have enough to pay taxes.
In Berlin nobody even holds open doors. Schwanzköpfe!
September 12th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Wanna talk about it?
September 12th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
You are scary. I prescribe a nice cup of tea and a lie down. (And a read of the Daily Mail.)
September 12th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Sounds like a plan. I’m in.
September 12th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Very funny. I have found another gem by way of BASICS doc and nee naw.
September 12th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Don’t sharks have the dickhead gene? I’m pretty sure if a shark could survive out of water and had a mobile, he’d play music on it on the bus.
September 12th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Make mine an Eight Ball.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
To hell with waiting for the post, I’ll use my own sock and buy a pool ball.
Lucy
PS our ruddy, illiterate postie who only works in reverse gear is my first target…
September 13th, 2009 at 1:20 am
To hell with waiting for the post. I’m assembling a whole fucking TABLE of pool balls ‘n’ socks right now. I’m going to singlehandedly take on all the neds in south Embra. I WILL cleanse the gene pool!
September 13th, 2009 at 3:07 am
oh wait….pool ball…gene pool…kind of like a pun, eh? If use recessives started wondering aroung hitting people in the head…we would become dickhead too
September 13th, 2009 at 3:56 am
*Starts passing out socks and 8 balls from across the pond*
Line forms to the right ya’ll.
September 13th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Loth, I think reading the daily mail may be a positive indicator of the dickhead gene!
The only problem with the aforementioned regime, is that “nice people” would be to nice to deck someone with a pool ball in a sock.
September 13th, 2009 at 4:44 am
“mindless bumblefucks” makes me smile. Must try to use that in conversation today
September 13th, 2009 at 7:02 am
Had a bad day??!!
September 13th, 2009 at 8:33 am
You will have to leave a few dickheads behind as otherwise I won’t have a job to go to - I work in a prison and they are full of ‘em!!!
September 13th, 2009 at 9:25 am
Like it.
September 13th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I’m only little, so the “pool ball in a sock” would require me to get too close. Can I use a nice shiny golf club (maybe a 3 iron) instead? This IS the home of golf after all …. I’ll take care of west Embra, so with Croila dealing with the south, we only need two more, and we’ve got a city fit for normal people to live in again.
September 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Oh deary deary dear.
I think we might need to discuss basic biology at some point, Kal…
September 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
My Mother has been rolling out a similar version for decades. Unfortunately instead of a pool ball in a sock she uses the weapons of “A Loud Tut” and “Glaring”. I think the pool ball will be more effectve but needs an adaptation in order for the passenger in a car (usually me) to apply said pool ball to the *uckwit driver in a car next to my car who is ‘driving’ whilst using a mobile phone.
September 13th, 2009 at 11:30 am
agreed Alice - just come back from holidaying in Cyprus, they don’t even acknowledge red lights there!! Only to come home and find someone on the M23 driving while texting - wish I’d had a pool ball in a sock then, would have put it to good use
September 13th, 2009 at 11:45 am
[…] Trauma Queen. Get back in your stockings, girls. […]
September 13th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Down here in Australia, we’ll do things on a larger scale… Nice People will be issued with a bowling ball in a sewn up trouser leg.
September 13th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
oh no Kal has pmt………ruunnnnnn, save yourselves
September 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Likin it mate. In fact, fuck it, i’ll vote for ye!
However, there is a fundamental flaw in your plan. In our line of work i’m sure you’ll agree, we very rarely get to meet the ’sensible’ people. Those who know the difference between ‘collapsed’ and ‘pished’. This is because they rarely call treble9, unless there is something hanging out them or falling off them. Unfortunately the breed with the active dickhead gene, also seem to have the nasty habit of calling 999 at the drop of a hat. As kirikate pointed out, due to our fabulous triage system ‘all 999 calls must be responded to’. Resulting in us treating a lot more o the fannies.
Rant over….breeeeeeaaaaathee
#Yorkie
September 13th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I am thoroughly behind this idea and seriously considering starting a petition on Number 10’s website!! I say this as I listen to the gentle hum of my washing machine as as it restores my uniform to it’s pre-puke spattered cleanliness, ah the joys of 17 year old pissheads and the retarded inbreds who look after them! Can I place an order for 50 pool balls please??
September 13th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
If you believe in survival of the fittest, does your job not kinda work against that quite a bit?
You peel the guy off the pavement who didn’t have the sense to stop drinking and got hit by a car, perhaps so that he survives his injuries as a simple example
September 13th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I can see trouble ahead trying to adapt the Kal’s-Trauma-To-The-Head-Solution over here in the United States of Insani…oops America.
I mean - would the GOVERNMENT pay for the socks and pool balls? Wouldn’t that be SOCIALIZED TRAUMATIZING????? What are you thinking, are you a bloody COMMUNIST LIB’RUL?? Everyone KNOWS the GOVERNMENT sucks at everything, so doubtless the sox would go missing in the dryer and the pool balls would be nerf-pool-balls….
I would gladly trade “neds” for Republicans. In fact, I’d trade you 5 neds for one Sarah Palin…
September 13th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Love the idea l am going to start stocking up on pool balls. I think given some of the solid stupidity that some people display pool balls could get damaged hitting the solid rock that serves as head and inner matter. Brain is not a word one can place on it as thoughts do not peculate in.
And no if the abusive drunk got hit by the car you could call that “god’s poolball” so it still all works perfectly.
September 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
How about a bowling ball? I know it’s bulky but you could cut the timescale with those…
September 13th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
This would have very uneven effects on different parts of our society and different areas of our country.
It might remove 80% of our MPs and 90% of our “big finance” workers. However, it may only take away 1 or 2% of our industrial work force. It would remove large numbers of senior military officers and only leave us with captains downwards. Perhaps worst hit would be the NHS. This system would remove professional managers from our hospitals and leave the public in the care of doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals.
How could our society survive this loss?
September 13th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
[…] please, don’t use your phone and drive. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t be a dickhead and drive. We’re all on the road because we want to get somewhere, and it’d be great if […]
September 13th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
bad deal offered by sewmouse, don’t take it Kal
love your views of the matter, Vetnurse
my own views? I don’t know, sometimes I want to agree, other times, even dickheads occasionally do the right thing?
In dubio pro reo?
I don’t know, all I know is I love the phrase “mindless bumblefucks” and will start using it in regular conversation.
thanks for expanding my vocabulary Kal.
September 13th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Thank goodness I answered no to all of those. I like the idea of a ball and await its arrival with excited anticipation!
September 13th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Ah, dammit, I offloaded a whole table and pool balls just yesterday. I’ll have to go raid my friend’s grandparent’s house to get them back. I can always use one of the boyfriend’s socks, for an added helping of chemical warfare.
Sewmouse - you have a deal, if you’d like Aberdeen neds rather than those poncy southern Edinburgh ones
September 14th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Is work so slow that you have to resort to TQ to generate calls for Blunt Trauma?
If this campaign had been started 5 weeks ago, Edinburgh City Centre may have been bearable in the month of August for the first time in years.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:32 am
Innnnterrrresting …..
September 14th, 2009 at 5:55 am
Poolballs in socks? How very sexist of you. Semi-automatic pistols are so much more equal-opportunity.
Just remember - an armed society is a polite society. ;>
PS - if we’re stuck with using pool balls, can I use the old nitrocellulose ones? Maybe make up some new ones?
September 14th, 2009 at 9:49 am
You are making the assumption that the “dickhead” trait is controlled by a single gene. Given the wide range of levels of “dickhead” in the population and the number of different ways in which “dickhead” can be expressed, I fear that “dickhead” is probably a multi-gene trait and therefore will need a more complex method for control.
Unfortunately, this will require more research into the exact nature of the trait. In the meantime, the poolball/sock method is a good first step down the road to “dickhead” elimination; however I urge Nice people to hit people displaying “dickhead” characteristics hard enough to draw blood and send me the samples so that I can investigate this interesting phenomenon further.
Ok, so maybe the M8 peed me off a little this morning! I’ll stop being a geek now :o)
September 14th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Can there be a telephonic version for all the people who shout at me? Possible some incredibly unpleasant noise that sends them mad…
September 14th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Lauren, just blow a whistle down the phone, it really works against prank callers.
September 14th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Are cigarettes and sunbeds society’s poolballs?
I think you might also find that the human race diverges, and that the “dickhead” strand displays some primitive behaviour (cave drawings = graffiti, mammoth-hunting = mugging, rudimentary farming = growing weed, etc.).
September 14th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Ok, yesterday I spent 4 stops on the tram with three teenage girls who were singing along to their mobiles and being horribly loud: “did you see Popstars last night, isn’t Jason just so cute?”, “uhhhh, you’re so stupid, Jason is Sooooooooooo gay!”….. I sat there thing “give me a pool ball, give me a fucking pool ball.”
The problem is, if someone had been walking around with a pool ball 10 years ago, I would probably not be here today. All 15 year olds are dickheads. Who would pay my pension?
September 14th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Hmm. Reminds me of conversations I had with a girl friend or two. Seems one of them had the “old fashioned” vet traning. Students of this vet had to be able to geld a horse/sheep/whatever with just a knife. She got to where she could do it with her TEETH. We had a wonderful chat about going through, conking out the offenders, and gelding them, feeding them some oxicontin or the like to make’em think it was nothing, and re-releasing them into the wild. Pity it would only work with the males of the (sub)human species.
And I’ll make mine an orange inna sock, a bit easier to explain to the police here in USA…maybe…
September 17th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
You sicken me with your brutality!
I feel a good swift kick in the balls would have the desired effect =)
After a prolonged period of being a dickhead, this would effectively serve to neutralize their ability to pass on their genes without causing undue strain in neuro trauma wards.
September 21st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I’m all for the new world order - all hail Queen Kal!
September 24th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I thought the US was the Dickhead capital. I really must insist that we in the US have a higher percentage of what I call “entitlistas”, which you call freeloaders. But really, I think that caning might help with certain groups of offenders. It works, and doesn’t have the stigma of death squads, and it costs much less than supporting someone for 10 years in jail at a cost of $30,000 per year per person.