Oct 20


Tag: AmbulanceKal @ 10:02 pm

A young woman with abdominal pain is straight forward enough, the patient is pleasant, polite and professional. The house is clean and tidy. But the woman sitting in the bathroom is howling like a gin-trapped animal. She gasps out an explanation between each painful spasm, explains that the pain woke her from sleep and that it is “ten out of ten”.

I shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to.

I don’t often believe people when they tell me that pain is 10/10. Mainly because I would imagine someone experiencing the worst pain of their life to be writhing and screaming on the floor and MOST of the people who tell me their pain is 10/10 are often texting their mates to ensure someone record Britain’s Got Retards, as they’ll be in the hospital for a few hours.

Also, a lot of these people are…radges. Chavs, scavs, jakes. The type of people I come home and rant about.

This is almost certainly class-ist, or person-ist, or something. It is definitely prejudiced.

Sue me.

The fact is, the woman in front of me is clean, pleasant and professional. She answers my questions as best she can while we examine her.

I believe her that her pain is 10/10 and she quantifies it further.

“I broke my leg once, open fracture of the patella. This hurts worse than that.”

That’ll do me.

I pop a line into her hand while my colleague gets syringes and flushes ready for the morphine and I quickly confirm with the patient that I’m not about to knock her off into some terribly anaphylactic death-spiral.

“No, I had morphine when I did my leg.”

“Did it work for you?”

“It put me on another planet.”

“That sounds nice right about now. Wanna go back?”

She nods, tears pouring from her eyes.

Ten minutes later she’s relaxed on the pillow, telling me she feels warm and drowsy and would I mind if she just closed her eyes for a moment?

I laugh.

“Morphine really works for you, then?”

“Uh-huh. This is lovely…wouldn’t it be nice to have this in the house?”

There’s a moments silence.

“With respect my love? I think what you’re aspiring to there is called “being a heroin abuser.”

“Oh yeah…oops.”

Just say no, kids.

17 Responses to “Pusher”

  1. Crowlord says:

    This one brilliant Kal. Still smiling !


  2. heatherthevet says:

    I giggled a bit at that one! Even more so than normal as I am down south in Englandland for a few days setting up a rehab for healthcare professionals. Ties in nicely! Its all very exciting, can’t wait to get things up and running. There’s a much higher proportion of addiction problems in healthcare professionals than in the general population, and they are also much more devious. Sadly they are also better at killing themselves, especially the vets. Anyway – as you were….


  3. Fi says:

    I agree about the vets… phenobarb on tap seems to come in very handy… we have the problem here too, and the addictions.
    Pethidine made me warm and floaty – but i had a kidney stone… usually I don’t like the sensation and loss of control!


  4. DavidW says:

    It’s a fine line between being a paramedic and being a dealer.

    – Both of those groups drive big shiny Mercs
    – Both of them wear groovy outfits – often government supplied
    – Both of them like to wear bling (I think a stethoscope is just clinical geek bling ;-)
    – Both of them pimp their rides (is anything more attention seeking than blue flashy disco lights and neenaws?)
    – Both of them like to get their clients of their tits

    Keep it up chappy ;-)


  5. Cath says:

    I’ll be giggeling at that all day. You just made my week a whole lot better :-)

    I have nightmares about hurting myself when I’m at work, as I get really, really angry when I do, and I swear my workmates would load me full just to keep me quiet. At least they know how to ventilate…


  6. Ross says:

    Once again, you succeed in bringing a large smile to my face. Bravo


  7. Lucy R says:

    *Guilty giggle* Yeah, morphine gets me that bad too. I remember being in hospital for spinal surgery, lying awake at 3am going “Now, how much have I had today? Oh good, I can still have a bit more….hang on, this is a dodgy train of thought! Yikes!” There’s no denying it, when you’re in that sort of pain it’s the best feeling on the planet.


  8. Beach Bum says:

    I still remember how utterly relaxed I was coming out from under GA in a morphine fog. It is amusing, and terrifying, how close we could all come to just needing a little. bit. more. Nice post!


  9. Fee says:

    I remember the Pethidine from my first go at childbirth – I remember my husband giggling at me going to the en-suite loo, feeling for the floor with each step! Because I felt like I was floating a few inches above it. That was nice, while it lasted.


  10. Metamor4sis says:

    Cool. So what was the cause of the abdo pain? Any postscript to this riveting-as-usual writeup? =)


  11. Sewmouse says:

    I think Heaven must be a place where there is addiction-free morphine, or morphine-feeling all the time. I love how morphine makes all the pain go away, without the weird foggy-brain ugh that other drugs give. Needless to say, I’m rather glad I do NOT have easy access to morphine.


  12. FireMom says:

    This made me laugh and smile and generally have the same happy feeling. Less floaty but still happy.

    Your writing is phenomenal. Just sayin.


  13. Tom says:

    I now have to have a carer before I read your posts. I think you are doing something right.



  14. Nerfgirl says:

    Ha, completely sympathize. I swear the promise of diamorphine was what got me through pregnancy number two! ;-) Then the damn midwife refused to give it to me. I’m still bitter.


  15. Nerfgirl says:

    sorry, that should be ‘empathize’, obviously! ;-)


  16. Heyhoo says:

    My friend and birthing partner ( a very fainty one at that!!) still ribs me for being very happy after giving birth with diamorphine at the end and coming back from theatre beaming wildly and claiming all in the world was pink…..while my darling darling baby was being whisked down to NICU….I hasten to add DD was absolutly fine…but boy I remember that floaty loveliness xx


  17. Clare says:

    I got some morphine recently. Let`s just say, next time I`m back in Scotland i KNOW where the drugs cupboard is. All I need is someone to leave the key lying around.


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