May 20

Half all over

Tag: UncategorizedKal @ 7:51 pm

I stepped outside the house alone for half an hour, to try and escape my bungeeing emotions for a little while.

Popped into the barbers at the end of the street and settled into the chair.

“Half all over, please mate.”

He frowned at my already short hair.

“You want a hair cut?”


Half an hour after he’d scraped the clippers over my head I was back alongside my Grandma’s bed.

Her sight is failing and she enjoyed running her hand over the barren corn stubble on my scalp.

And today I realised what I was doing.

I wasn’t sharpening my look, or even finding an excuse to take a half hour’s break.

I was making myself look more aggressive, less approachable, harder, with more visible angles.

Because when people got close to me and said “Are you ok?” I started crying.

And I didn’t want strangers spotting the look on my face and feeling obliged to ask.

So I made myself look like a cunt.

To save myself from feeling weak.

30 Responses to “Half all over”

  1. Kat says:



  2. Lynda says:

    Hug for you and peace for your grandma, too.


  3. Lady V says:

    Oh darling, how very sad for you all x


  4. Sewmouse says:

    hugs and kisses, Sweetie. It’s ok to be weak sometimes.


  5. Robert says:

    It’s not being weak, it’s being human.


    Teresa Reply:

    Those were the words I was trying to think of Robert, Thank you


  6. Catherine says:

    It is human and ok to be weak, it’s also human and ok to want to choose who you show that to. In the meantime Kal, you do what you need to do to get through this time. At the right time with the right people you will let it all go.



  7. Fee says:


    You do what you have to do to get through life.


  8. David Bain says:

    I couldn’t do that.
    The haircut, I mean. I’ve got a beard so I’d look as if my head was on upside down.

    Big men cry, Kal, small men don’t know how.


  9. Nic says:

    Sometimes the strongest thing to do is to let it all out – it is not at all weak!


  10. Heyho says:



  11. RapidResponseDoc says:

    no words


  12. sebbie says:

    Oh bless you. Real men do cry.


  13. Win-Stone says:

    If you feel like you want to cry, cry. If you don’t feel like you want to cry, don’t.

    Do what you have to do and be damned to everyone else and their opinion of you.


  14. Patti says:

    Be strong on the inside and soft on the outside. It lets the world nick you without cutting to your core. Crying is okay, even necessary. The time for grief will pass and you will still be standing strong. Love to you!


  15. Cath says:

    In one of the famous rivers, a tourist was standing, fishing. He had all the best and most expensive equipment, the most fancy clothes and all that goes with it, but couldn’t catch a single fish. Next to him was a local boy, in nothing but his bare feet and with a stick with some string on it.

    He didn’t get any fish, either.


  16. Cath says:

    Yeah… I know. Made you smile, though? ;-)


  17. Sam says:

    Thinking of your and your family Kal, this hurts like hell and at times like these, you do what you need to do, to cope. Sending a big hug your way x


  18. Tree says:

    Its ok to cry. Just remember you have people all around you and all around the world sending you there love and strength. Hundreds of shoulders to cry on and arms to hug you.


  19. Emma says:

    I’m a lurker. Hi. :)

    I’m also a few months behind you – or maybe a year, if we’re lucky. We’ll see. I have an advantage that you don’t have though: I’ve never seen a miracle, let alone made one, let alone made one in the course of my day job. The handful of times that I’ve seen someone die, it has never been wrong: but more to the point, I’m not used to seeing people pulled back from the very edge. That doesn’t feel like something that happens, to me; and when it doesn’t happen, that’s what I expect. I couldn’t feel like a miracle should, could, or ought to have been made. I don’t experience any of what I imagine you might, when miracles you see week on end fail to show up for your own family.

    Maybe I’m six feet left of the mark, with that one, and I apologise sincerely if I am. I’d kick myself if I was right and didn’t say it, though. In any case, you have my deepest sympathies, and understanding. And I think your gran wants to sit with you, not your cunty shell.


  20. Teresa says:

    Oh Babe, Robert summed it up.

    Wish I could just hug you and take the pain away.

    Be you.



  21. Winter Wiccan says:

    Big hugs. It is ok to cry though.


  22. Dickie says:

    Just don’t get L-O-V-E and H-A-T-E tattooed on your knuckles. A stubble-cut is small beer in comparison.


  23. Christine says:

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and all yours in these difficult times. Take care of yourself and find someone to hold you while you cry if you need to.


  24. sooty says:

    lots of love kal, we’re thinking of you xxxx


  25. Bobbi says:

    Many, many hugs. If you want to cry, go ahead and cry. It’s not weak, it’s not being a wimp, it’s normal; people cry all the time, over so many little things, it’s fine to cry over big things. Thoughts are with you and your family. God Bless.


  26. Scoodle says:

    Hi Kal,

    You and I are peers, age wise. My maternal grandparents both died before I was born; my paternal grandma had Alzheimer’s and died when I was young. The few times I visited her before she died she was already very progressed and now as an adult I’m sorry to say I was quite scared of her (or rather of her behaviour) and didn’t enjoy or make the most of those visits.

    Make the most of your remaining time with your Grandma, and make it count. You’ll never regret spending too much time with a loved one.



  27. Juliet says:

    Big hugs to a guy I’ve never met but who bares more of his soul than some I choose to call friends.
    I hope you find some modicum of solace and therapy in your writing xx


  28. Robin says:

    Sometimes armour’s just what is needed, as long as you can let it down with the people that matter.

    I still have my bike jacket that filled that role for a few years – it’s always useful to know that security’s there.

    PS – the picture of your Grandma + Ma is cracking!


  29. theshortearedowl says:

    It’s not the crying – it’s being forced to share it with someone you didn’t choose to.


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