Dec 28

For Amos Moses, who told me he’d read “Anything, even if you wrote about your breakfast”.

Tag: UncategorizedKal @ 1:10 pm

The house to myself, the flatmates away. A party last night (pictures to follow, I promise…) and a long drive home, recognising that I have to be at work tonight and sleeping in my own bed, rather than on someone else's couch would be a grown up way of approaching things.

 

Up, a quick shout through “Anyone else in the house?”, just in case. You never can tell in this flat, a brace of grandparents have keys, not to mention the cleaner. On hearing silence, I take full advantage to stroll through in my pants and set the coffee brewing. On the way I have a thought and the thought is “Ooh…pancakes.”

God bless Google for recipes, everything is in the cupboards. It's American fluffy pancakes and bacon for this boy this morning.

 

Shower, shave, kitchen. Sieving, mixing, bacon onto grill.

Beepbeepbeep.

Smoke alarm.

The smoke alarm in our kitchen is a helpful friend, it sort of predicts when things might catch fire, rather than reporting when they have.

“Beepbeepbeep you've put some toast on. It's cooked perfectly…if you left it under there for another five minutes, like a crazy person, then it might burn the house down, just thought you should know…beepbeepbeep.”

 

Thankfully it has a little green button you can press to silence it.

So…butter on to melt to cook my pancakes.

Beepbeepbeep.

Yes, thankyou…

Pancakes in to cook.

While I'm waiting, lets empty the dishwasher and stay ahead of the game.

Glasses, mugs, plates, cutlery, a little pile of Louis' plastic bowls that never *quite* dry. They go into the cupboard above the sink and

“Jesus suffering fuck!”

A deluge of sippy cups, Tupperware and little bitty cutlery pours out of the cupboard at head height. I think they've been leaning against the door, just waiting for me to open it up and attack me.

Forks are bouncing everywhere, a pyrex jug bounces off my foot, plastic bowls vanish into the bowels of the dishwasher.

“Beepbeepbeep…your bacon is less raw than it was.”

Green button.

“Beepbeepbeep.”

GREEN BUTTON.

This is the other entertaining thing about our smoke alarm. It requires more presses of the green button the more frequently it goes off. It's as though its saying “No, really…SOMETHING must be on fire…really….”

Flip the pancakes.

Flip the bacon.

“Beepbeepbeep.”

GREENFUCKINGBUTTON.

Finish emptying the dishwasher.

“Beepbeepbeep.”

GREENBUTTONGREENBUTTONGREENBUTTON

“Beepbeepbeep.”

Grab the tea towel, helicopter it madly around your head.

“Beepbeepbeep.”

I don't know how long it'll beep before it triggers the whole building's alarm….

“Beepbeepbeep.”

Shit…my pancake's on fire.

Well played, old friend.

 

20 Responses to “For Amos Moses, who told me he’d read “Anything, even if you wrote about your breakfast”.”

  1. Jake says:

    Nice to have you back, Kal. And yeah, this sounds like our kitchen, only the cupboard with all the sippy-cups is over the kettle instead.

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  2. Win-Stone says:

    One of the things about smoke alarms BEEPBEEPBEEP is that the sensors get dirty, and that means they become more sensitive to minor BEEPBEEPBEEP things which shouldn’t BEEPBEEPBEEP set them off.

    The trick BEEPBEEPBEEP is to clean the sensor. if you BEEPBEEPBEEP do that you’ll probably find that it then BEEPBEEPBEEP.

    Cleanign said sensor is easy – if your vaccum cleaner has a hose or is a ‘drag around’ type. BEEPBEEPBEEP.

    Stick the end if the hose over the BEEPBEEPBEEP casing of the BEEPBEEPBEEP and just give it a minute BEEPBEEPBEEP.

    You should find that that will help admirably!

    Alternately, you could learn to cook WITHOUT burning anything …………….. :-)

    [Reply]

  3. MamaBee says:

    My very first apartment was like that — only it had 10′ ceilings, and I am only 5’6 :) Even on the step-stool I couldn’t reach, and actually catching the green button with the broom handle was hit and miss (quite literally!)

    The end solution was to only use the microwave unless the boyfriend (6’4 and nearer the ceiling) was around ;)

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  4. Clair B says:

    Yeah – you may be the only blogger out there who can make my stomach muscles ache with laughing, just by writing about making breakfast.

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  5. plantingoaks says:

    Win-stone: really? Our solution when we had an over-eager wired-in detector was to tie a plastic shopping bag around it. Now that we have one that detatches, we tend to throw it in the microwave when we cook. (Not running, just as an airtight box)

    Your solution seems much more compliant with code.

    [Reply]

  6. Utility says:

    Hilarious, well written, thanks :-)
    made me smile.

    [Reply]

  7. Tilly says:

    Glad to see you back!

    [Reply]

  8. Blanche says:

    New oven + smoke detector within much too close proximity = over familiarity with that same damn beepbeepbeep

    Many thanks to Amos Moses for giving you inspiration!

    [Reply]

  9. Lynda M O says:

    Great fun reading. Happy 2013.

    [Reply]

  10. Ann says:

    I have low ceilings, and a smoke detector that’s part of a building system – if mine goes off, it sounds in the other 2 flats as well – and there isn’t a “silence” button on the individual detectors!

    The solution – when I decide I want to use the deep fat fryer- is a small plastic bag held on using an elastic band.

    [Reply]

  11. bear says:

    The cursed, diabolical malice of inanimate objects…

    [Reply]

  12. Adam Collins says:

    Can we take this as an I’mOk tag then? :)

    [Reply]

  13. Keith says:

    Once again there are tears in my eyes after reading your blog. I’m just pleased to see they’re from laughing so much!

    It’s good to have you back.

    [Reply]

  14. Linda says:

    Missed you! Glad you’re back!

    [Reply]

  15. carol d says:

    So very glad to see you back, and with a flurry of posts, at that!

    Have a very happy new year!

    [Reply]

  16. sarah says:

    hehe rather you than me (sorry)
    Happy New Year
    lollipop
    xx

    [Reply]

  17. Sapph says:

    Haha I know the feeling! Once our smoke alarm drove mum so bonkers that she bashed the living daylights out of it with a broom! It then started raining its radioactive contents upon her. I laughed. Great to see you posting again!

    [Reply]

  18. Talieta says:

    Perfect study break reading :) Thank you!

    [Reply]

  19. EmilyT says:

    See this is why we read! You turn what could be just a sentence about a grey bowl of soggy, cardboardy cereal into a wonderfully colourful and fun tale. Maybe it’s the bacon. Everything’s better with bacon!

    [Reply]

  20. Piper says:

    LOL the cupboard attacking you – I am so used to that happening here that I open one particular cupboard with my other hand poised to catch whatever decides to assault me. And re the smoke alarm there are three solutions:
    1. take the battery out
    2. turn it off at the mains
    3. move it to somewhere other than the kitchen or remove it completely, whereupon you can ask the firefighters to come and do a fire safety check ;)

    [Reply]

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