Jan 07

To bind them all

Tag: JournalKal @ 11:25 am

Ahhhh, my sweet friends.

My sweet, Christian friends who discuss my sinful gayness and rampant atheism and stretch their arms out to me – “My brother, my family….I love you.”.

Yeah, those guys. You know those guys?

They disowned me because of my life choices.

Someone outed me to them; mentioned that I’d never read, nor watched the Lord of the Rings.

And they all got a bit cross with me, invited a whole bunch of folk over on Boxing Day and we sat down and watched the BluRay version, start to finish, six discs, fourteen hours, lots of beer.

I’d had this theory that 90% of the movies was just midgets striding through fields, forests, plains,swamps. And I still hold to that.

But it was all so wonderfully shot and the story ties so much together it was far too much fun to dismiss.

So instead I got a bit pissed, got welcomed into the fold and sat up until four in the morning.

And now I’ve downloaded the whole thing as an ebook, I’m slowly plodding, like Frodo and TheOtherOneWhoDefinitelyIsntFrodo’sBoyfriendHonest, through the whole epic mess.

Then on the 27th I went to watch the Hobbit, which is three hours of a dozen dwarves charging about and being dwarfy and Gandalf busting out the deus ex machina every time anything remotely bad happens “Oh no BrandyFart! My beard is tangled! What shall we do….oh, fuck it…here comes Gandalf, never mind..”

Also, tales of peril and danger are all very well, but all the stumpy little bastards survived to the end of the movie. There were twelve of them. Twelve. I couldn’t even recognise them all, let alone remember their names or characters.

All I’m saying, is old JRR had a bag of disposable characters, some of whom he could have bumped off to make the peril more perilous and make us think that bad things might happen to this happy band of leprechauns.

But he didn’t. And now I’m cross with him.

That said, I’ll still go back and watch the other two Hobbit movies when they come out. Just to prove myself right, of course.

13 Responses to “To bind them all”

  1. Bulk says:

    I can’t believe tha a well read educated man such as yourself has never read the LOTR books! they are magnificently well written, funny, touching and generally amazing in every way……..if you liked the films you will end up loving the books!


  2. Pam says:

    I am a well read educated woman, and I HATED the Hobbit and was bored to death with the LOTR. Who cares about the little furry bastards, anyway?


    Jenna Reply:



  3. MamaBee says:

    Amen, Pam LOL I am a heretic in my household for this belief, but I loved the movies because they “cut out the boring stuff!” :) But I am wife and mom to fans (small son was Legolas for Halloween this year, and with his mid-back-length blonde hair and fine features, he was perfect!) and we all enjoyed The Hobbit.

    Except for the big kid, who apparently wasn’t expecting it to be a trilogy LOL Movie ended, he exclaimed, “WHAT?! That SUCKS!!” :) His point being, of course, that the LotR trilogy was 3 books = 3 movies. The Hobbit, 1 book . . . 3 movies? At which juncture, I explained the concept of Peter Jackson’s beer fund. :)


  4. Fee says:

    Oh dear, another one lost to the dark side. I gave up on LOTR in book form at about page 20, then compounded my ‘sin’ by falling asleep during the film, to the disgust of my loved ones. When I go to the cinema, it’s to see things being blown up and a hunky hero saving the day (quip optional)!


  5. Cath says:

    What, never? Shame on you. Go to your room, young man, and don’t come out until you have finished the book. Honestly, kids these days…. :-D


  6. Nathan says:

    I had read the books in completion some time before viewing the movies (perhaps 15 years ago?), and I conclude the following:
    1) The Hobbit should be a 2-parter at the most. There is insufficient material to stretch to 3 movies. Conversely, LoTR really had the material to fill 4 movies or perhaps more. There was a great deal cut from the books. Some of this really wasn’t movie worthy, but a good bit of character development and lore is lost in movie translation.
    2) The Hobbit should have been filmed and shown first. Not because it is first chronologically, but because after saving Middle Earth from the flaming vagina of doom, getting some drunk shorties their house back just doesn’t have the same high stakes.
    3) While I think the books are well written and enjoyable, not everyone does and thats fine. J. R. R. Tolkien is not an author you can really be ‘told’ to go read: You need to want to get lost in his world.


  7. Bobbi says:

    For the full Lord of the Rings experience, you need the extended editions, which I’m not sure if the blu-rays are, but 14 hours sounds about right. I love it, but my friend’s described it as ‘D of E without shoes’, and christened The Fellowship of the Ring as Frolics With Frodo. Thought you’d appreciate :) although I didn’t at first – criticise my precious LOTR, how dare you?! Too good not to repeat though!


  8. karen says:

    Ive never read the books but husband has.
    Now I love the Rings cos of the story, the filming, the action, the hunky men, etc. However the Hobbit was ok. Apparently its halfway through the book so what on (middle) earth are the next two films going to be about?
    Husband on the other hand says the Hobbit is the better of all the books. He’s also a nerd who loves the films.
    Maybe you will enjoy the Hobbit book more than the film?


  9. karen says:

    You have watched all the Star Wars films havent you?


  10. Win-Stone says:

    As a confirmed LOTR nut (“Well, there’s a surprise, says Kal”) I loved the films but was vaguely disappointed nevertheless. Felt that there was too much stuff in the books that didn’t make the films and too much which got ‘glossed over’ and too much simply alluded to which should (IMHO) have been major scenes. As Nathan says, LOTR could easily have made four (or, whisper it!) even five movies!

    Haven’t been to see The Hobbit yet. Never got on with the book (I read LOTR first) and feel seriously ambivalent about any film which manages to stretch a 200 page book to (close to) five hours of celluloid.

    ……… as for the Christian polemical drivel called Star Wars……. never seen that and never consciously will! :-)


  11. rach says:

    Think I mostly slept through most of the films – all I can remember was the other half at the time giggling like a loon, squealing “run Forrest, run” – there may have been trees running around at the time – as I mentioned, I was mostly asleep. Perhaps I’m not such a nerd after all :-D


  12. Sewmouse says:

    Well, good thing you watched the “extended versions” of the movies, because the “Theater Release” ones were rubbish, rubbish, RUBBISH!! Some idiot told PJ that he needed a huge “love story” – and so the part of Arwen, a VERY VERY minor character in the books was expanded – and expanded – and expanded – until the theatrical release versions were more like “Lord of the Arwen”. Either that or Liv Tyler was giving copious BJ’s to PJ.

    Also, not to ruin it for you – but near the end of the Hobbit book, I believe at least one of the drunken short guys does bite the dust.


Leave a Reply