Feb 09

Midlands

Tag: JournalKal @ 1:22 am

So, having just returned from a trip to Milton Keynes (because Dubai was getting boring), I've had quite enough of sub-Birmingham England for the week.

 

I entertained myself on the train by asking friends to come up with new tourism slogans for Wolverhampton and Milton Keynes. My suggestion was “Wolverhampton….because other forms of deliberate self harm leave visible scars.” and “Mlton Keynes….precisely as lovely as you think.”

 

I'd like to point out that all of this was pure conjecture on the south bound journey, having never visited either city before in my life. Having left Milton Keynes, I can now confirm that it IS exactly as lovely as I'd thought.

 

I had to change trains in Wolverhampton and afterwards my new slogan would have to be “Wolverhampton…you thought it was gong to be rough, but fuck me….”

Contributions in the comments, please chaps…

 

 

33 Responses to “Midlands”

  1. Jake says:

    I hate Milton Keynes with the passion of ten thousand burning suns, but I must at least credit it with not being my native Wellingborough.

    Then again, I say that about Luton as well…

    [Reply]

  2. The Girl says:

    you shoulda said you were coming… I’d have baked a cake!

    Milton Keynes IS lovely (as long as you can only visit) I like that everything is together in one place and everywhere I want to be is around 20 mins walk (tops).

    you need to get on the bus and REALLY appreciate the size of Milton Keynes properly (all of it from V1/H1 to V12/H10).
    but that’s another visit for another time.
    :)

    [Reply]

  3. Masher says:

    Luton… it makes Milton Keynes look goooood!

    [Reply]

  4. Ann says:

    Living in Oxfordshire, with family in Bedfordshire I get the best of Milton Keynes – in one side, out the other, without stopping, on my mate H8 (aka the A421)!

    [Reply]

  5. bulk says:

    Milton Keynes…….because carlsberg do make depressing places to live!

    [Reply]

  6. Cadbury Moose says:

    Wolverhampton – Now tramp hovel (anag.)

    (From when this moose was considering making an anagram railway map of the West Midlands.)

    On which note, you would have stopped at Emmet’s Whirring Bane, and passed through Deadly Parker, Errant Gnomes, Ornamental Margin Inhibit, Earthman in Pond, etc.

    3:O)>

    [Reply]

    Ann Reply:

    You’ve got me trying to work all those out now… although I have caught trains from Door XF via Emmet’s Whirring Bane before now!

    [Reply]

    Cadbury Moose Reply:

    If you would like a hint, they’re all on the West Coast Main Line and are actually in the correct order. 3:O)>

    Elsewhere in the West Midlands we have places like Ringtoned, Obtruding Towers, Stretchable Kingdom Wig and Nine Yard Helen.

    Should “the Latin quarter of Cowley” really be Door FX (that “whoosh” sound used on Star Trek), though?

    Just a thought.

    [Reply]

    Ann Reply:

    It’s OK, I looked at a rail map and worked them out. I did think about Door FX, after I’d typed the above, but decided to leave it!

  7. hunny says:

    ah wolverhampton the place that makes you realise there is always a place worse than where you live :)

    [Reply]

  8. Derek says:

    Milton Keynes is a confusing and scary place! never understood it, so wont be going back there!

    [Reply]

  9. Win-Stone says:

    Wolverhampton……….. tp proove that, regardless of what you might think, Birmingham isn’t really THAT bad!

    :-)

    [Reply]

    Win-Stone Reply:

    or even, to prove.

    Bllody figners

    [Reply]

    cdck Reply:

    You might want to wipe them off, there.

    [Reply]

    Cadbury Moose Reply:

    Birmingham is Mordor with underpasses.

    [Reply]

    Win-Stone Reply:

    Oh, don’t exagerate – it’s not that bad.

    After all, even Mordor has *some* redeeming features!

    [Reply]

  10. World'sMostAnxiousPerson says:

    Redditch, Like Milton Keynes but without the charm

    [Reply]

  11. blogdog says:

    To criticise Milton Keynes is to debase the inherent wonder of roundabouts.

    [Reply]

    Ann Reply:

    The A43 – designed by someone who had seen Milton Keynes, but thought roundabouts with roads at right angles on the flat were boring.

    [Reply]

  12. blogdog says:

    I’ll see your Wolverhampton and raise you Livingston

    [Reply]

  13. Talieta says:

    LOUD NOISES!

    [Reply]

  14. Sewmouse says:

    Now I want to go see Milton Keynes. I don’t want to LIVE in Milton Keynes, because it sounds like somebody’s name, and I don’t want to live inside anybody. Especially inside their “roundabouts” which sounds disturbing.

    And unless there are really wolves in Wolverhampton, I will be exceptionally disappointed.

    [Reply]

    Win-Stone Reply:

    No, Sewmouse, you really don’t want to see Milton Keynes (or Wolverhampton!): think The Big Easy a couple of days after Katrina!

    [Reply]

  15. Mariel says:

    hi Kal,
    I’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, and your writing is truly amazing. I didn’t want to post before now, because I was reading through the archives – catching up. I barely finished getting through them before they were deleted. Is that permanent, or will they be back up eventually? It’s a shame to lose so many wonderful stories.

    [Reply]

  16. VinaigretteGirl says:

    Now, now. The Black Country accent is credited with being the most difficult one in Britain to get right. And everybody ought to know at least one Aynoch and Ally joke.

    [Reply]

    Cadbury Moose Reply:

    Q: What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

    A: You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.

    Thank you, I’m here all week.

    [Reply]

    Win-Stone Reply:

    That a threat or a promise?

    [Reply]

    Cadbury Moose Reply:

    Which would you prefer?

    3:O)>

    Win-Stone Reply:

    That would be a threat, then :-)

  17. Cadbury Moose says:

    Would sir like a re-post of the 2002 Dudley Earthquake Appeal spoof?

    [Reply]

    Ann Reply:

    …when Something Interesting happened in Dudlii?

    [Reply]

  18. dwmf says:

    Central Milton Keynes is Geidi Prime with shopping (Dune).

    [Reply]

  19. Catherine says:

    Been away and catching up on posts. I did a locum in Wolverhampton with a bipolar battle-re-enacting goth receptionist and the toughest but kindest vet nurse in the world. I kinda liked it in spite of a lot of ‘mind your knuckles on the step’ clients. We’ll always have Oxley…

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply