Over the past few weeks I’ve had a pleasant and interesting experience. I’ve found myself with a drive to create, to experiment and explore.
Mostly I’ve been baking, which is fun, and ends up with cake at the end.
I’m happy. And fatter.
The point that has genuinely surprised me, though, is that my desire to cook, or play guitar, or write, or go for a fine long walk? None of them have arrived with a nagging doubt in tow. Gone is the suggestion that, really, I should be doing something else. That I’m doing those things to the detriment of other, more pressing, tasks.
To a small part, this is due to the ending of a number of training courses. My level two sign language is finished (I have no idea if I passed my final exam, I get my results in a month or so) but on the night I finished that, I immediately turned to reading and preparing for an Instructor’s course I was scheduled to attend a few weeks later.
It was only the other night that I came up for air, looked around and realised…hang on…I have nothing to do.
Nothing is nipping my heels, nagging at my head when I sleep.
The things I aimed to do, I have achieved.
The worries I had are easing away and as I march up the sides of Maslow’s hierarchy, the sensation of occupying a more creative, self aware, confident and self realising frame of mind is enormously strong. It’s as though I’ve discovered a room in my house I’d forgotten I owned.
It’s present in so many ways. I’m more sociable, enjoying the company of other people so much more than I had previously. I’m more productive, nailing tasks and sweeping past them.
What’s surprising is it’s palpability. I can *feel* extra space inside me, like someone has expanded my mental bandwidth. Even as I write this, I can feel creaking cogs and wheels that used to spin like watch workings slowly oiling themselves up. I used to sit and bang out a thousand words at a time without thinking, now I’m struggling to hit 400.
But I’m writing .
These past months have been brutal, and looking down the hill I can see myself working, living, maybe existing, in a field in which safety and security were supremely important to me.
Up here at the top? Up here with the cool breeze of “acceptance of facts” “problem solving” and “creativity”?
The view’s grand.