Sep 27
We open on a room…
I’ve a story to post, it’s written and ripe, ready to go, anonymous and polished (though I say so myself).
But before I post it, I want to do some ground work, setting the scene, as it were. The thing is, I’m not setting a scene in which I can position my story, I’m setting the scene in which you’ll read it.
I want to know a little more about you guys, where and what your thoughts are when you’re reading the post later this week.
So in the comments below, I want you to tell me about the moments you’ve despaired of your kids. When you’ve looked at a school report and wondered what in the name of hell they’re going to do with their life, when they’ve thrown an entire jar of Ragu off the supermarket shelf because you won’t buy the Choco-Brekkie-Crispie-Cruncha-Monkeys.
Be honest, go all out, ; I’m lifting the usual restrictions on anonymous commenting for this post so those of you who are concerned about being outed or identified can sleep safe.
It should be fine, your kids don’t read this stuff, do they?
Well then stop them, I say “cunt” far too much.
See?
Did it again.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I *was* that kid.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Oh dear, it is so long ago that I don’t remember, but I still worry about the now grown up ones. Don’t want to say more, they might read it and I can’t stop them just for a small detail like four letter words.
September 27th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
You know other kids, they’re great. They make you realise that your own aren’t pure evil after all.
I say this as our daughter is having a great laugh at her Papa who is locked in the bathroom trying to read a sailing magazine; the light switch is outside the bathroom and she has 100% contol over him getting to read or not. He is not reading but shouting “put the light back on or we are NOT going to the park today!”
Anyway, other peoples Kids: We don’t have a car, we can’t even drive a car. This is fine in a big City where cycling is safe and public transport is good. Once a year we do, however, need to have the use of 4 wheels with a motor; usually to transport large plants or beds. Yesterday we had arranged that a friend would come round with her car and 5 year old daughter, the daughter would stay at home with me and our wee girl and my husband would go to IKEA with our friend to buy a chest of draws. We girls were going to play on the swing and make blue pancakes and have a lovely time. Much better than going to IKEA you would think.
I should note that this little girl knows us well, has been to our house about 1000 times and has even been on holiday with us. Her mum has been with her all the time. She has a very close relationship with her mum.
But, come one: Blue pancakes or IKEA? Blue pancakes everytime, right?
Nope. She screamed, she shouted, she hung onto her mummy, she didn’t even want ice cream. She screamed some more and then started hitting her mummy. This went on for over a hour.
In the end she went to IKEA. And I was left thinking “god, I love my daughter, she is wonderful, she would never make such a fuss about anything, no way I’m swapping.
September 27th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
You mean like how my son has been at uni for two years and hasn’t passed anything yet even though he qualifies for Mensa and how he doesn’t have a job AGAIN and doesn’t seem able to find one because he won’t work nights because it cuts into his RPG and online gaming time? You mean like that, Kal?? Huh?
September 27th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
dunno where this is at, I’m an oldy & I still despair of meself sometimes.
On the other hand, I sure do value yr insights…
I was considered hopeless when young meself
Several decades later I don’t mind meself so much since I found out about Asperger’s etc
September 27th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I never had that kinda behaviour for a combination of fear, respect (bizarre I know) and such like. that doesn’t stop my parents despairing when I choose to do something which is not what they would have chosen… I have never gone off teh rails, I;m too conventional for that, however I did keep plugging away until I am almost on my way to a career I want, and I’ve gone out with a few girls whom my parents were polite to but were not what they had envisaged a daughter-in-law being like. Equally, i stay up late, don’t always cook proper meals and frequently skip breakfast. All of which cause some level of despair.
September 27th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I despair about the attitude that my youngsters display especially when asked to do anything. About the way in which they dress, they would rather go out in old ripped clothes than others that they own. And about the self centeredness.
September 27th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Erm. No kids for me. As far as being a kid . .. I dunno. “Smart but not dedicated” seemed to be a regular theme. I like the “I was that kid” except I left home at 12, so can’t really answer to that sensibly either.
What worries me most is my 21 year old god daughter “I’m catching up with someone I met on the internet” type comments - so its waaay past the ‘cunt is not a good word to use’ conversation. Being a godparent makes you the one to have the safe and closer to sensible conversations about ‘complicated stuff’ with. . ..
The children of friends? Girl gamers who beat the ‘grown up’ boys at their thing and a variety of awesome types who have grown up with wide and varied role models.
I wanna know what you got to say!
September 27th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
When I need an ego boost for my parenting skills I watch Supernanny. Most of those kids wouldn’t last five minutes with me.
My kids are generally okay, I find that making them weed the garden reminds them who’s in charge for a while … they’re not perfect but then neither am I. So far, *crosses fingers* it’s all been normal run-of-the-mill minor misdemeanors.
I want that story!
September 27th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
My first born gave up a career as a legal executive and became an Ambulance Technician.
Where did I go wrong?
#:-)
September 27th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
So, get called into see the teacher after school (he’s been in since the 8th September….) to be told that he has kicked a display board (that went up at the end of last term) and broken it. Little sod. Love him to bits, but little sod.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
When I’m tired and hormonal - kids are learning to give me a wide berth on those days!
September 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
As an ex-teacher I can only reminisc about the moments where children have done things that make me *hope* their parents are despairing of their children. Because if they’re not, when little Jimmy’s just thrown a chair at his teacher’s head, or smashed a cop-car window outside the school gate, or threatened to stab a classmate with a pair of scissors… then God help us.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I hear a ruckus in the driveway one afternoon….I come out to find my beloved son and his buddies in the driveway pouring gasoline on their skateboards and launching the flaming skateboards across the driveway and into the lawn (under a PINE tree).
September 27th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
My eight-year-old daughter doesn’t believe anything I say - how to write in cursive, the names of zoo animals - my information is always suspect. Anything some random child on the playground tells her is gospel. This same child forgot to put her homework in her backpack every day this week and frequently tries to leave the house without shoes because she can’t find them/doesn’t want to look. If the amount of time she spends arguing with me over cookies and TV time is any indication she will be a lawyer one day.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Don’t have kids yet but your store example made me remember a scene in an American grocery store last year.
I was walking down the aisles picking up generally healthy foods when coming towards me was a small family. The young boy in the cart was yelling, “Sugar! Sugar! I want Sugar! Mom, I want sugar! Sugar!”
The little shit, although probably only 4 (?), already knew the substance he truly desired. He was not asking for a lolly pop, chocolate, twizzlers, nasty sugar cereals….he wanted the real shit. I was surprised to hear him screaming for the direct source! Probably would of snorted it if he got his hands on any.
No wonder Americans are fat, type 2 diabetics.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
To anon 6.43pm:
Or just the most challenging teenager ever? Good luck!
September 27th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
My son is now 20 and still giving me nightmares. I wonder
where he is going in life as he was not interested in
school, although of normal intelligence and possesor of
an enquiring mind!! I know he is not related to satan in any
way (although i did check his head for 666 when he was 6 years
old!!!) but his temper floors me sometimes - he can be a very
angry young man - and also a very sweet and funny young man.
As parents we try our best and just hope that they develop and
grow at their own pace and make the right decisions.
September 27th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
My first born will be taking £50 out on his savings next week to pay for a locker door he damaged at school when he head butted it in a temper tantrum, he also needs to know that throwing a paddy ,hurts more than your savings account
September 27th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
My kids have been WAY better than I ever was. When I was a teenager I smoked dope, cut school, and blackmailed my mom into calling me in sick by telling her I would never go back to school if she didn’t call. I did end up quitting high school anyway although I did go back later. There were times my poor mom must have just thrown up her hands in despair over where I would end up.
September 27th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
hmm….where to start? it’s a sibling thing partly I think, angels on their own but together all hell breaks loose!! A friend of mine puts it beautifully on speaking of her own two little treasures - “O**** is ruining H*****’s childhood” - O being the younger sibling to H!
September 27th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
My children are only 3 and 1 so I have not had to despair much yet. In fact the youngest I have had no despair over as yet, but I have frequently battled with my 3-year-old over the TV and the amount of time it spends showing CBeebies, not to mention her apparent allergy to fresh air and exercise. At the age of *3*! Written down, it makes me sound very feeble. I’ve frequently refused to turn on the TV (she’ll sit in a sulk on the couch staring at the blank screen) and once lasted out a whole week but she can reduce a grown man to tears. I… despair.
September 27th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Well, I do remember several occassions when I carried DD home held under my arm lke a roll of carpet while she screamed…loud enough for the sound to echo off the surrounding houses…loud enough to make the journey stretch to interminable in a way that her weight could not.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I had the teenager from hell. Dropped out of school, dropped out of college. Got sacked from first job, then second, then third. Stole money. Took drugs. Dealt drugs I suspect. Trashed his room. Nicked mine and his brother’s iPods and sold them. Spent nights in cells for spray painting local buildings. But - I never, ever stopped loving him (stopped liking him several times), and finally, something happened. He got a girlfriend, got a job, cleaned his room, and has very slowly got back to that little boy that I had all those years ago - fingers crossed…..
September 27th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Maybe time has dulled the memories, but I can’t think up a single time when I despaired of any of my kids. They were great kids and grew up to be awesome adults. Oh, there were frustrating times, like when my 16-month-old son wasn’t sleeping through the night yet and my newborn premature daughter wanted to nurse every two hours and had severe colic, and I thought I might never sleep again. But I don’t think that’s the kind of despair you’re looking for!
Mortification, now that’s a different story. If you ever want moments of total maternal humiliation and/or mortification, I can supply you with a few of those.
September 27th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
I have 5 teenagers, and despair has begun to turn to panic! I theorize that I have 2 types of Kids, “far-seers” and “in the momenters”. I have 3 who can only see past their schoolwork far enough to their next social obligation(mid-term exam tomorrow??? why didn’t the teacher warn me?), and 2 who struggle to balance the social with their work loads(my dedicated son is about to get kicked off his team, he hasn’t been to practice since school started).
September 27th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
When one of my daughters was caught stealing money from an older student at boarding school, not 6 months into 6 years of a once in a life time scholarship. Instead of expelling or even suspending her, she was given a severe yet supportive lecture from the school and went on to prefectship and other high level leadership roles within the school, as well as in University life. She will be graduating in nursing and her favoured area is neo natal and Paediatrics. The thing is, had the school booted her, which they were fully entitled to do, I very much doubt she would be where she is now.
Very much looking forward to your story, as always.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
mamarama wins!!
September 28th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I’m just grateful my 3 year old has stopped commenting on and smacking the backsides of people we passed in the street. Not so much desparing as very, very embarassing!
September 28th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Well, i don’t know about total despair, as it were… but i did have a moment at the local mosque when the brothers had their heads down for prayer and my little ones were busy knicking their specs…
September 28th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Not much experience here - mine are only 4 and nearly 3 - but the nearly 3 year old is still not reliably dry during the day. At the end of a bad day when he wets himself AGAIN I just do not know what to do next. I’m hoping this phase will pass!
September 28th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I’m pleased to say that my little one has yet to give me any moments that me me question his future but I will offer one from my brother that I’m sure gave my parents pause.
While still living home he:
- came home quite late (or early the next day if you prefer)
- was drunk beyond all reason
- passed out on the living room carpet
- wet himself and the carpet
- he was 15 years old
September 28th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Oh, you mean like when my 5 yr old comes bawling and making a dramatic scene because his baby brother (3 yr old) is beating the crap out of him? Not to mention that the bruises and scrapes are visible. Is that what you mean? Yeah, well those scenes are giving me nightmares about both their futures!
September 29th, 2008 at 12:24 am
The worst thing for me was passive resistance. “You can’t go to the movies” -=whatever.”
“You’re grounded”… “whatever”
Nothing… NOTHING seemed to have any effect. Praise Deity she turned out ok.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:23 am
My only son - didn’t sleep through the night til he was 2, got excluded from school at 5, everyone in school knew who he was even though he was only a wee primary one, destroyed a classroom on a few occasions in his second and third school. He now does NO work at all at school and I despair for his future.
That do you Kal? I have a feeling you’re going to make me think deeply this week
September 29th, 2008 at 9:37 am
My eldest two didn’t get a chance to be difficult as their younger sibling, born when they were 5 and 10, started his first solo journey in a speeding ambulance and most of his childhood in and out of hospital (duodenal atresia, ASD, Leukaemia, more bowel surgery, learning difficulties). The eldest, a girl, arrived to laughter … story for another time … and at 26, is still a star. The middle one, a boy, was a dear, despite being bullied mainly about his brother - kids can be very cruel and some adults even worse. We have noticed that siblings of ill and/or disabled children are, on the whole, seriously nice and try not to burden their parents with their own worries.
The last few years, however, middle child has given us grey hairs! From being someone who was not going to let the bullies beat him but spur him onto better things - getting Gold DofE at 17 for example - he decided to do all his rebelling at sixth form stage. Met a girl, stopped working, turned predicted A/B grades into E,contrant calls from concernred teachers, foul tantrums cos we would not let them sleep together here (be creative, my son, like previous generations), gave up paid part-time job, got horribly into debt (did you know an 18 year old, still at school with no job will be offered both an overdraft and a credit card?) Decided not to hand in UCAS forms and on and on. Left school, got job but gave it up cos it was boring. We thought he must be taking something but he wasn’t. We were evil-incarnate only there to wreck his life……..meanwhile, he was wrecking ours. I am ashamed to say, despite him being 6′2″ to my 5′4″, I could have happily thumped him sometimes and certainly did verbally rather than physically.
Well, it all turns around. He and g/f found a room to rent and he got a job where he works all hours, but enjoys it. He is now 21, g/f 18, and he is growing into the man we always hoped he would be. He might even go back and finish his education.
My take on this, now we can breathe again, is that all children need to do a bit of rebelling to grow up. It is better to do this at a younger age while it doesn’t totally destroy your life, rather than later. Daughter is very laid back and has found her outlet in sports. Son did so during the bullying but not later.
Youngest son? Well, he has just had his first ever term at school without any absences - so time will tell.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:39 am
*constant calls!!
September 29th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I despaired as a swap from one teacher who realised “a prod in time saves…” to another who was quite convinced “she’s a late developer” lead to a steady decline in marks and performance. I was just mum who nagged. Many years later that daughter said she had an apology to make - she had believed I was a pushy parent until she saw that programme a few years ago and realised what pushy REALLY was. The teen years were fraught, we experienced most things including dope, doped boyfriends, abusive boyfriends, eating disorders, an overdose, dropping out of Uni, teenage pregnancy. The birth of her first child turned her back into a recognisable human being. Now she is married, has 2 kids who are top of the class at school, has qualified as a nurse whilst working at the same time to pay the childcare not covered by the bursary and help pay the mortgage - and still has time to help her friends. Her sibling had the temper from hell - we did the carrying under the arm dodging the feet bit as well but did avoid most of the other fraught moments though potty training was a closed book there too. Uni was attended with a good result and now has proceeded to training as an ambulance person.
Mike - only 1 career change to the NHS? How did you get away with that? I am surrounded by them (not just those 2) - despite a crusade to warn of the pitfalls of the future of the NHS. I am VERY proud of my family though. The best thing about being a grandparent? You see your kids turning into a new version of you as their kids put them through the mill - and you realise they weren’t that bad, OP’s are ALWAYS worse!!!!
Maybe the bad bits helped shape the magic people they’ve become. All of us can hope that goes for them all - hindsight gives 20/20 vision and a sense of relief.
September 29th, 2008 at 11:39 am
no, no, no! You are all supposed to say “My child was horrible until she turned 4, then she turned into a wonderful, understanding, caring kid who never did anything to annoy me.” I guess I am hoping for too much. I don’t want to wait 18 years for her to turn into something resembling a rational human.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
My two girls have hit 19 and 23 with a decent education (A level)- eldest didn’t finish Uni - did two years - and it did upset me - so much effort, so much money - but now working away well and recently promoted. Youngest holding her own against the world too. To my knowledge, they haven’t hurt anyone and as the house rules are “earn your keep” and “treat others as you would wish to be treated” I think they’ve kept their side of the bargain. Please God it stays that way.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
My son is in 6th grade. The third week of school I talk to his teacher and find out that he has done NONE of the homework assignments so far for the year. He lost everything other than football as a punishment. It took him less than 3 days to do the work, so it’s not like he can’t do it because he doesn’t understand it. He just doesn’t believe that he should have to do it.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Oh. My kids are two years apart. My older son is not quite three yet. And while I love him to pieces, he exasperates me daily. Mainly because he is me. But small. And male. Which only makes him louder, I have found. He has recently learned to give me horribly dirty looks when I tell him to do anything. To boot, he has learned, in preschool, to say, “I’m not going to do it,” when I ask him to do something. We’re also having food/supper table battles as of late. He’s lucky he is cute because OMG sometimes.
As they’re still young, I have years of exasperation ahead. None of these have made me question their futures, of course, except WHETHER THE CHILD WILL EVER EAT SOME DARN VEGETABLES. But I’m sure, from reading the responses of others, those days are yet to come.
September 29th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I have no children. But here I am.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:34 am
Oh dear, where shall I begin?
I work with emotionally disturbed children aged four to twelve in a residential treatment center. Some have been badly abused or neglected; some have psychosis. So when they misbehave, which is often, I’m not surprised. Whenever they’re able to behave like kids who have been raised by kind and competent parents, it’s a joy to me. They recently held a car wash to raise money to buy toys for children with cancer at a local clinic.
What makes me despair? Very little. But I’m closest to despair when they are cruel to each other: taunting, cursing, refusing to play together.
By the way, they haven’t discovered your site, but if they did they wouldn’t learn any new vocabulary. (You might, though, if they submitted comments.)
September 30th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Countless nights laying awake worrying about whether I’ll ever despair of my kids made my mind up for me.
I stole into their bedroom, wrapped them in their hot little mammalian blankets and drove them to the edge of town.
In the pitch of the woods I laid them carefully, not wanting to disturb their sleep, on an ancient inscribed flatstone. And waited.
By the first light of dawn I’d wearied, grey halflight pulling my stinging eyes to closure and my limbs ached with the cold.
And then I saw them.
They flickered from the trees and lifted, seemingly effortlessly, the mist-breathing bundles into the air and were gone.
Some nights, by the fire, with the rain tempting me to the window, I still think of their faces as they awoke.
It makes me smile.
September 30th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
[…] II of “We open on a room…” “25YOM, septicaemia, will need a […]
October 1st, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Hey, sister anan is back in town!!
May 4th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I am still that kid! I have a fast temper and so frequently kicked my play mates at school. One of them went crying to mummy. I didn’t listen to a word they said about that (which happened to include the words ‘you will get into Oxford or Cambridge!?!) and got put on report aged 10 for ignoring a bell and staying outside. My first year in senior school made me a legend (not good). My class were ganging up on me again and I threw my scissors down so I didn’t stab them. Unfortunately rubber-handeled scissors bounce. They hit someone’s back but not hard. This earned a chorus of ‘OMG you tried to stab her, you did, you did!’. I left the class and climbed a tree in the school grounds and stayed there I walked over the branch to the boundry wall and sat on it a few times. Everyone tried and failed to get me down, including the head. Ididn’t even get suspended. I got another reputation for climbing the inside of a 3-story staircase in 2nd year and then another story to add to it by, when I girl was bullying me at our first CCF meeting, screaming at her loud enough to hear it echo and everyone, even on the other side of the grounds stopped. I still can’t keep my mouth shut if I don’t think something’s fair, even if it isn’t my problem.
I feel sorry for my mum.